URBANNA — Do you know what a “death file” is? Chances are you don’t, let alone actually have one.
I do. That’s because I live with a lawyer who keeps a file on everything. I have lived with a lawyer for 60 years. That’s a long time to live with a lawyer.
I’m not complaining, just stating a fact. It’s quite possible that he would say 60 years is a long time to live with a writer.
Here’s a clue that might indicate what life with a lawyer is like. Some 50 years ago our mostly English springer dog gave birth to seven adorable pups. The sire was a purebred English springer but since I had no “papers” I decided to sell them for just $35 a pup.
To use one of Father’s old English expressions, “They sold like hotcakes.” No sooner had the last pup gone then the lawyer approached with pad and pen. “Let’s see now, my dear, that is seven pups times $35 and that is a total of $245 you must report on your taxes to the IRS.”
I was stunned. Who else but an estate planning lawyer would think of reporting such a measly amount to the IRS? Case closed.
Then, 50 years later when the lawyer turned 85, and he finally retired, (I had learned over many years that lawyers don’t retire at a normal age and spouses have to continue packing lunches when they head off to trial and won’t have time to get lunch and see to it he has clean shirts and freshly dry-cleaned suits way beyond the usual years of service), he announced one day at breakfast while I was dishing up his scrambled eggs that he had opened a “death file.”
Now normal people have no idea what such a file might be, a collection of every document that your family will need if one should suddenly take it into his head to pop off. (Which is exactly what I plan to do myself one day, especially if I have to keep tabs of my spouse’s death file!)
Well, I suppose I showed my usual look of horror when he explained that he was gathering all the information I would need in one convenient place “should I ever need it.” He added, “This is the greatest act of love that any husband can do for a beloved wife.”
My philosophy in life is one might as well laugh. Yet I can personally attest that lawyers are an odd species that keep meticulous records on every detail of life. I had to have all the proper documents almost as soon as I was married … will, trust, power of attorney, medical directives … before I even turned 25. I think I might have been the youngest Virginian ever to have a written will.
Then, it’s surprising how many “papers” one needs when someone dies. One can’t just die anymore and be done with it. One has to have zillions of papers to settle things.
Social security records, birth certificates, marriage licenses, military discharge papers, bank accounts, insurance policies, stocks and bonds, not to mention the dozens of passwords needed to access such records. Add to this passports, driver’s licenses, titles to property including land, cars and boats, medical and insurance papers, charge accounts, funeral plans, house records listing surveys, closing costs and, improvements. Also, one should have on hand at least the last six years of tax records.
Then one needs directions for how to disperse personal property. This in itself is a major task for the worst fights by heirs could be over who gets Aunt Matilda’s silver baby spoon.
Then lists of schools, colleges, clubs, organizations and professional affiliations that must be advised on death. One should also have photographs of the deceased. Don’t forget funeral plans, title to cemetery plot and headstone.
His written list of things that need to be completed is quite helpful. His step one is: “First call 911, my dear.” The steps then continue in order until the last chore is completed.
The lawyer is now completing one last duty in his act of love for his beloved wife. Writing his obit.
If this keeps up, in the event of an untimely death all I will have to do is attend the funeral. But perhaps he will prepare for that too? Maybe hire a tearful surrogate mourner to dress in black and appear for me at the funeral? If there is any way he can take care of that chore ahead of time, you can bet that a lawyer will figure out how.
Just so he doesn’t send me a bill.
© 2023.
Note: Mary will be taking some time off from writing her weekly column. She wishes everyone a very happy spring.
